How I came into spirituality
Spirituality.. sometimes I don’t know what it means.
I remember the time when my days were full of activities. I was living in San Francisco in a seaside apartment. It was so beautiful like heaven on earth. You get the best coffee and humble people to talk to. Even the uber rides were so great. I was working in google and the work was good enough. Had a good work-life balance. I was getting everything which I have not even dreamt of, then I should be the happiest person in the world but then what is this void! And yes to make things more interesting, I would go on vacation regularly and yes I often learn new things and find new hobbies. But then I could see the same pattern again in everything. The repetitive nature of traveling and hobbies and life. I was 26 and are these the maximum a human being can experience? Will my whole life be like this.. just a different version of this repetitive nature of life? Do I have to do a kid to make it interesting?
People call me lucky and asked me to do grateful exercise for what I have. I did that very religiously and yes I am grateful to everything but then too knowing this is all there is, makes me kind of hopeless. I don’t have the ambition to earn money, to get a promotion or to become very popular, or the desire to have a kid at that time. I would feel a void in me. I was surrounded by so many people with whom I had good conversations and I feel the connection with them. But then too sometimes I feel lonely. I had so much freedom in my life but then too I felt restricted. Restricted with what? I just didn’t know the answer.
Then I started doing a lot more activities in my day to make it an interesting day, I felt a lack of energy and so I did inner engineering program. I did get a lot more energy in my day and clarity in my head but those background questions came into existence with a lot more force. And I wanted to explore. I was young and I could take the risk of losing what I had. I came back to India and started doing things that generally people do in their break. I traveled, did social service, volunteered, learned fine arts, and connected with my family. I also learnt hatha yoga Angamardana and Surya Kriya from Isha foundation to replace my workout.
Coming out of my bubble brought a lot more options in my life. I could see that in this world there are so many things to do. It’s already been 1 year of a break then should I go back to my earlier lifestyle. After all, it provided security, it was organised, it was socially more appreciated. But something in me cries out thinking of going back. It’s like I would become a lifeless secure person. Maybe underneath I knew that though I have given some time on this effort, but this was not enough. I could still see how limited and repetitive a human experience is. I was in a dilemma and at that time I did a lot of journaling, understanding myself, my patterns, my mind, my shortcomings. I became more observant. I became sensitive to people’s emotions and was expressing my love with a more open heart. And with time this became a norm for me to look inwards and see what is happening and what are the patterns which are controlling my behaviour. I knew yoga had a big role to play for my this behaviour. So I learnt Yogasana as well.
Initially, it was very hard for me to do yogasana. My mind was racing and I have to keep my body still. It was like torture for me. But I continued. And I saw so many changes in me. I was more emotionally stable and had a calmer mind. Those plethora of questions are not yet solved but they are not bothering me now. While practicing kriyas, I felt moments of thoughtlessness. While dancing and painting, I would be in a flow and would totally get lost. And finally, I got to know it’s not the nature of the activity that enhances the experience but the way we do it. That as I will become sweeter from inside, the experience of activity will deepen as well. It was such a simple teaching, I have heard like millions of times from Sadhguru but I have realized it only now.
I finally started trusting spiritual practices and gurus. After a long time, I have found something in which I was genuinely interested to know more. Not because of the peers and not because to show off. I want to know the nature of this life. I want to know how my patterns control me. I want to see inwards. I want to work on my body, mind, emotions, and energy. I want to love everybody. I want to connect with everything living and nonliving. So yes I am a spiritual person and my curiosity about life is making me spiritual!